I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
now i know why i became what i already was.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
