i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize
