awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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