Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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