You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
