this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
