I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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