talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
