Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
