I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
