note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
