I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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