I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
