some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
