I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
