TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
