Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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