wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
