oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
