yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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