Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
