theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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