I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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