I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
