Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
