you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
