i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
