Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
