So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
