You just made me feel so damn special
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
