I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
