im six kinds of drunk right now
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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