I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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