just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
