Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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