My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
