i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
