Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
