she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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