We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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