why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
