it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
