Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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