I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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