just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Randomize
