Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
