3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
