You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
