it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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