This is not my ceiling
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
