I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
