I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
