i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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