Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
