3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
