you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
