Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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