either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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