Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
